"leave a little emptiness. a space for when what you are waiting for arrives." paul madonna

The last few weeks, I feel like I have gotten rusty. Lost track of important things, things that I want to invest myself in, but have become lazy. Things that I have wanted to care about and wanted to spend time on have seemingly gone out the window. And I found myself stuck in the mud. And getting a little homesick. Many of the activities I have grown accustomed to here, no longer had the same meaning. Even writing became more difficult.

Now having lived in this country for 11 months, I have learned that I can be intentional about investing in myself and my relationship with God, or I can just avoid this all together, and simply go to work, and everything falls into a daily routine. Sometimes unhealthy patterns emerge. I have somehow lost touch with myself a little over the last few weeks. It has also been a process of working out the seasons of life - how we change, how we mold and how we emerge into something different...or just become more of ourselves.

Now, being the middle of my journey here, I think I am beginning a new path. But, I am at a crossroad at the moment. Deciding the direction I should go. Coming to terms with my experience here and how it is actually impacting my thoughts about myself, about God and about my future. The reality of living in this country is really starting to sink in. Its not disappointing...my impressions are just changing and shifting now. I want to make this experience all that it was intended for me in the first place. The both scary and exciting adventure.

I came to this realization last week. It during my days off. It was the first time in a while I felt like a little child in a long time. And if I remember my childhood correctly, it was refreshing, joyful and scary at the same time. And last Tuesday, I could re-live my childhood once again.

A couple of my friends and I went to a theme park for the day, and I knew that the possibility of going on a roller coaster was looming in the air. I didn't dare mention this possibility. But, we soon found ourselves in the line up, waiting to board the dreaded machine. I had a flashback to a time when my friend Jacinda and I went to the rodeo St. Albert, and I became so sick after a ride we had gone on. I have been scared of rides ever since, I will admit. And as I waited in line last Tuesday, I knew that I would soon regret going on this roller coaster. As we boarded and the coaster started to go to the top of the drop...my chest felt heavy...a bead of sweat dripped down my back...I thought "I can't do this. I can't do this. What am I doing here? Get me off...

And, as the roller coaster made its way to the top...and finally over the edge to drop...I felt light...my feet felt light...they had lifted off the ground...I had no control over the direction of the roller coaster...but, I knew that I was secure, and that I felt free at the same time.

I can't help but feel this has been parellel to my experience here. I had no idea that I would be taken this far, that I would be stretched this far. And, even though beads of sweat might pour down my back, and I can't see over the edge, something...Someone has been holding me. Maybe this journey has been about allowing my feet to not touch the ground...but allowing that certain Someone to carry me...and let me not worry.

As I have decided to stay another year here, I can only hope that I will continue to be expanded and stretched. As uncomfortable and scary as it can be sometimes. But, the view from over the edge...is a beautiful one.

"Look mom, no hands!!!"