"leave a little emptiness. a space for when what you are waiting for arrives." paul madonna

The last few weeks, I feel like I have gotten rusty. Lost track of important things, things that I want to invest myself in, but have become lazy. Things that I have wanted to care about and wanted to spend time on have seemingly gone out the window. And I found myself stuck in the mud. And getting a little homesick. Many of the activities I have grown accustomed to here, no longer had the same meaning. Even writing became more difficult.

Now having lived in this country for 11 months, I have learned that I can be intentional about investing in myself and my relationship with God, or I can just avoid this all together, and simply go to work, and everything falls into a daily routine. Sometimes unhealthy patterns emerge. I have somehow lost touch with myself a little over the last few weeks. It has also been a process of working out the seasons of life - how we change, how we mold and how we emerge into something different...or just become more of ourselves.

Now, being the middle of my journey here, I think I am beginning a new path. But, I am at a crossroad at the moment. Deciding the direction I should go. Coming to terms with my experience here and how it is actually impacting my thoughts about myself, about God and about my future. The reality of living in this country is really starting to sink in. Its not disappointing...my impressions are just changing and shifting now. I want to make this experience all that it was intended for me in the first place. The both scary and exciting adventure.

I came to this realization last week. It during my days off. It was the first time in a while I felt like a little child in a long time. And if I remember my childhood correctly, it was refreshing, joyful and scary at the same time. And last Tuesday, I could re-live my childhood once again.

A couple of my friends and I went to a theme park for the day, and I knew that the possibility of going on a roller coaster was looming in the air. I didn't dare mention this possibility. But, we soon found ourselves in the line up, waiting to board the dreaded machine. I had a flashback to a time when my friend Jacinda and I went to the rodeo St. Albert, and I became so sick after a ride we had gone on. I have been scared of rides ever since, I will admit. And as I waited in line last Tuesday, I knew that I would soon regret going on this roller coaster. As we boarded and the coaster started to go to the top of the drop...my chest felt heavy...a bead of sweat dripped down my back...I thought "I can't do this. I can't do this. What am I doing here? Get me off...

And, as the roller coaster made its way to the top...and finally over the edge to drop...I felt light...my feet felt light...they had lifted off the ground...I had no control over the direction of the roller coaster...but, I knew that I was secure, and that I felt free at the same time.

I can't help but feel this has been parellel to my experience here. I had no idea that I would be taken this far, that I would be stretched this far. And, even though beads of sweat might pour down my back, and I can't see over the edge, something...Someone has been holding me. Maybe this journey has been about allowing my feet to not touch the ground...but allowing that certain Someone to carry me...and let me not worry.

As I have decided to stay another year here, I can only hope that I will continue to be expanded and stretched. As uncomfortable and scary as it can be sometimes. But, the view from over the edge...is a beautiful one.

"Look mom, no hands!!!"

hello everyone. I heard that my parents have been getting alot of questions about the recent earthquake in Japan in Nigata prefecture and wondering if I'm ok. I'm sorry for the late response - but everything is ok in Osaka. I feel incredibly lucky to be living in this city, which is a relatively stable area. I guess the Nigata earthquake registered a 6.8 on the scales, which is almost equivalent to the earthquake that happened 12 years ago in Kobe (the Hanshin Earthquake), which was the most devistating earth quake in Japan's history. So, its a little scary, to say the least. I reccommed looking it up on the internet. I visited Kobe a number of times, and I once visited the memorial site they have for the earhtquake. Cracked pavement, and lightposts that no longer stand straight are a sobering reminder that to live in Japan means that this is a reality.

I'm doing ok, and I'm safe, just letting you know. Sorry for not keeping up with the blog these last few days. Maybe just send up a prayer to the people of Nigata today.

"hold my hands, inside your hands..."

The last week, I have gotten notes from friends, cards in the mail, special and personal gifts that have obviously been given alot of thought, and litle signs here and there that have sustained me. Everyday, there have been little miracles that have occured. Without these, my heart would not be in the place it is right now. I have been able to make it through these last 2 weeks, when I thought I couldn't.

I feel as though you are here beside me. I see your writing, I hear your music, I look at your pictures. There is evidence of your friendship all around. Little fingerprints that I will treasure. Thank you to everyone for your support while being over here.

sleepless...

its 2am. i can't sleep. its funny when you can't sleep. its all in how you look at it. i can look at it as a problem, or maybe just an adventure to be had. just think of the possibilities. i realized also that i live in a country where if i wanted fast food, a single wrapped egg and if i happen to need an extra pair of socks at 2am - i can pretty much get it. still...here i sit...on my futon...beads of sweat pour down my back, thanks to the recent humidity in Osaka. maybe there is no real point to this edition...maybe i'm just sleepless...sleepless in Osaka....

could you carry me through...

The other night I taught one of my friends how to ride a bicycle...On a hot, hot, humid night in Osaka. As the sweat dripped down our backs, and we were laughing and feeling self conscious about random Japanese men staring at us. Still, we pressed on, one peddle at a time. I wasn't exactly sure how to teach someone to ride a bicycle. Its just a skill that you don't really have to think about. But, then again, maybe it does require more thought than we think...

Having a bicycle in this country, is almost like having breath. You need it. With it, you can go longer, faster, you can see more, and you see and experience the unexpected. You also run the risk of getting run over, bumping into people, going through scary tunnels really fast and attempting to peddle up hills on just one gear. (yes...just one gear).

I guess I got to thinking...its really an excercise in trust. In faith. Most of the times, when I am riding my bicyle, its generally pretty effortless. Sometimes, however, I forget how unexpected this city can be. At any given corner, someone can surprise you and you must swerve out of his direction or sometimes you just collide with them. You never really know whats going to happen. Its exciting but also very scary. I just try my best to grip the handles and keep peddling. Even though the sweat pours down my back.

grip the handles and keep peddling...hmm...

I realized in the last few days, that this is what I really need to keep doing. If I let go of the handles, I will most defanitely loose control. If I stop peddling, I won't go anywhere. Although there are hills that I have to climb, and sometimes just straight, long paths with not much to see - I must peddle. That will sustain me. Even if I don't know where I'm goin sometimes...I know that the bicycle will take me further than I ever would go by myself. Somehow, I think this bicycle is more of a literal metaphor than I originally thought.

Through this bicycle, life has become more accessible. More wonderful. More scary. More beautiful. But, my bicylce has also made life somehow more simple as well.

Sometimes, I have to go through tiny streets, or through narrow pathways, and sometimes, I have to carry it over barriers...sometimes places I don't think I should go. But, the bicycle always brings me through even the most difficult of circumstance. The most tiny of streets and the most darkest nights.

My experience of Osaka and Japan, has been made better because of my bicycle. Teaching my friend how to ride a bicycle the other night, taught me somehow that God is really taking me through an exercise of trusting Him. Hence, my bicycle has become a very tangible metaphor for me. Clinging to Him with all my might. But, allowing Him to carry me and bring me further than I ever thought I could bring myself.