the ambiguity of grieving

When someone passes away, its hard to know what should do or how you should behave. Especially being out here, where I have felt a little powerless to do anything, the process of grieving and dealing with my grief has changed a little.

When I found out my grandpa passed away on Saturday night, my reaction was one of shock and disbelief. What was I supposed to do? After a long, teary conversation with a close friend and my parents, I began to calm down, hear myself think again, and begin to journal and try to understand what God was trying to say through this situation. Sometimes, when someone passes away we expect to react in a way that God has stolen something from us. While I have felt kind of an emptiness inside these last few days, my grieving process has changed from being passive to a kind of active grieving. Being away from my family I think has caused this reaction.

I've been writing a letter to my grandfather to be read at the funeral. Asking my parents questions about what happened. Journalling. Asking more questions. Sending flowers to my grandma. Doing more journalling. Taking a long ride on my bicycle.

Grieving is a strange thing. You don't really know what you should do with yourself. You cry a little. Laugh a little. Get mad. You cry alot. Laugh alot. And then cry again...you get the picture. But you always seem to feel ambiguous about everything. I have had relatives pass away before, but I was always surrounded by family, and I could see their faces and hold their hand. But, not having them here, has been difficult. But, it has also challenged me to again cling to God. To really cling, and to try to listen more attentively to what He is saying through all this. Maybe, this whole experience is about trusting him. To just let go of myself, and to trust Him. If anything, in the last 10 months, a reoccuring theme has been trust. And learning that God really does have all of us in his hands.

This song has been repeatedly in my head these last few days. I hope that where ever you are at, that you can find some truth in it,

When everything is wrong
The day has passed and nothing's done
And the whole world seems against me
When I'm rolling in my bed, there's a storm in my head
I'm afraid of sinking in despair

Teach me, Lord to have faith
In what you're bringing me will
Change my life and bring you glory

There on the storm I am learning to let go
Of the will that I so long to control
There may I be in your arms eternally
I thank you, Lord,
you are the calmer of the storm.

You rebuke the wind and the waves
Once again I find I'm amazed & the power of your will
Cuz I'm a child of little faith
I feel the wind and forget your grace
And you say, "Peace, be still."

There on the storm I am learning to let go
The white wave's high, it's crashing o'er the deck
And I don't know where I go
Where are you Lord, is my ship going down?
The mast is gone so throw the anchor
Should I jump and try to swim to land?

There on the storm, teach me God to understand
Of the Will that I just cannot control
There may I see all your love protecting me
I thank you Lord, you are the calmer of the storm
(Calmer of the Storm, Downhere)