on childhood dreams...

just listen...

This song, I think, is talking about an ended relationship, but somehow for me, this song is how I feel about this country, Japan. And knowing that I will be leaving my experience here in a few weeks. I mentioned it in my previous post, and I felt I needed to share it with you in a more real sense.
A friend of mine just sent me this passage that has given me some perspective. From the novel "Gilead"
"When I'm here in my study with the radio on and some old book in my hands and it's nighttime and the wind blows and the house creaks, i forget where i am and it's as though I'm back in hard times for a minute or two and there's a sweetness in the experience which I don't understand. But that only enhances the value of it. My point here is that you never do know the actual nature even of your own experience. Or perhaps it has no fixed and certain nature. I remember my father down on his heels in the rain, water dripping from his hat, feeding me biscuit from his scorched hand, with that old blackened wreck of a church behind him and steam rising where the rain fell on embers, the rain falling in gusts and the women singing "The Old Rugged Cross " while they saw to things, moving so gently as if they were dancing to the hymn, almost...It was so joyful and sad. I mention it again because it seems to me much of my life was comprehended in that moment. Grief itself has often returned to me that morning, when I took communion from my father's hand. I remember it as communion and I believe thats what it was. I cannot tell you what that day in the rain has meant to me. I can't tell myself what it has meant to me. But I know how many things it put altogether beyond question for me."
Now, I can go on with my day.

a closed door...an open window...and into the wild

As I write this I realize it has been a long time. I have missed this spot. My faithful futon, my cup of tea, incense and the keys in front of me. For various reasons, I haven't been able to blog these last few weeks. My world has been turned upside down in more ways than one. I haven't really known how to cope with it.

A few weeks ago, I was preparing myself to stay here for another year, but the company I have been working for in Japan has had some major financial issues and is currently denying teachers their salary, and just found out today that it is going bankrupt. It has been difficult going to work - feeling kind of taken advantage of and wondering if we were getting paid. I find myself going to union meetings for the first time in my life and trying to educate myself on the ins and outs of a big Japanese company. Everything has recently come to a complete halt and I found myself not having the chance to say a proper goodbye to the students I had grown to love so much over this last year.

I have had to remind myself time and time again that everything happens for a reason. But, even before all this happened, I could feel myself some how being called again, into the wild. Almost like a new adventure has been calling my name. I think now is the chance to tap into this, and to unravel what the new adventure might be.

I was reading in Daniel 2:20-22 the other day -

"Praise be to the name of God for ever and ever.
Wisdom and power are His

He changes times and seasons,
He sets up kings and deposes them

He gives wisdom to the wise
and knowledge to the discerning

He reveals deep and hidden things;
He knows what lies in darkness,
and light dwells with Him."

Japan has meant more to me than any experience I could have asked for. Its unexpected places and people. And moments that will be etched in my mind. In the last few days, my heart has felt heavy, the kind of heavy you have when someone close passes away. This experience has been all consuming, and I can almost feel myself going through the motions of a kind of grieving process. Realizing that in one month, I will be leaving Japan. This impact of this experience is beginning to catch up with me. Living here, learnig about teaching and language, breathing in the air, walking the grounds of temples, seeing Geishas, taking crowded subways, trying on kimono, being embraced by strangers and having travel at my access. A song I'm listening to right now by Colin Hay complete describes how much Japan has meant to me...Its almost as if Japan is personified for me... -"I just don't think I'll ever get over you"

Packing my things, cancelling memberships, throwing things away, and attempting to soak in as much of this country as I can in the short time I have. One of the gifts right now about not working is that it leaves more time for travel and the chance to spend time with the people who have made impressions on me during my time here. Now is the time to soak and to let Japan take its course in my heart and mind.

I want to drink it in, soak it in and let this country come over me these last few weeks.